I don’t know what to do with myself right now.
Recently, I finally worked up the courage to deal with a problem I’ve been having. In essence I’ve gotten rid of something that’s caused me a lot of pain over the years. But I don’t think I feel any better. Like a lot of problems, it started out very small—basically so small that I didn’t even notice it was there. Eventually things became more noticeable but this was a slow process so it didn’t seem like something I’d have to deal with any time soon. Actually, I don’t think I ever really thought about dealing with it—I’m not terribly great at looking to the future or future prospects. After a while… it became like some massive growth. It was ugly and was very clearly pulling at me and causing me pain. But by then, of course, I’ve had it for so long that I don’t know what to do about it; no amount of sleep or pain killers could really take the edge away. Now it’s grown so big that cutting it off might become the bigger problem, and it’s not like it’s always a pressing burden—it might act up once in a while or get very painful out of nowhere, but nothing a person can’t handle. Then there’s that one thing… That one fucking instance that pushes you over the edge and you finally take a knife and you cut the thing right off. Sure, it’s gone and there is, in essence, a kind of weight lifted from your shoulders, but… in its place is a gaping hole. A big, ugly hole that digs in just as deep as the growth was and while it doesn’t have the same weight that the growth does it might as well have the same pain. And it’s not like having the growth back would be any better, because it wouldn’t, but it’s also not like getting rid of it has done any real good either. Only now there isn’t a big tumor to showcase why you’re so upset, instead it’s a hole that people are going to tell you to try and fill because it’s just as ugly and there’s no reason you can’t fill it. Except there is, because any time you try to get anything near that raw, freshly-cut flesh, it really hurts.
That’s where I am. And the irritating thing is… I’m not even 100% sure I’ve dealt with it for good. For all I know it’s going to grow right back and dig itself in deeper than before. I’m dreading getting any sort of e-mail back from him. My chest is tight all the bleeding time and there’s nothing I can even do about it. I almost want to just curl up and cry, but I know I can’t do that because I’ll have a fucking anxiety attack.
I’m so lost. I have no idea what to do.